Reflections Between Mind & Body 16/06/21

I miss you - and I miss us. I miss our team work. The way I would see the things that had to be done, the things that would inspire us and you would catch that spark and leap into action. I dreamed it and you never doubted your abilities to set it in motion. You were strong enough, capable enough and able enough to see it all through. You were a rock , a stubborn and fiercely determined partner. Perhaps too stubborn. You failed me. Or maybe I took advantage of you. But you never put any brakes on my ideas or whims. You relentlessly just kept doing the things and when you couldn't or it hurt you , you bore through it until you broke. And in your breaking you have broken me too. Maybe you are just as angry at me - for pushing when it's my job to know better. So now here we are. What do we do ? I don't have the answers anymore. I've adapted, you've rested and you've pushed. We are shadows of our former self. Unrecognizable if the world were to actually see us as we clumsily fake our way through what's left. I'm embarrassed , disappointed , angry , frustrated and deeply sorrowed. It's far too soon to call the game. I don't want to spend my life playing candy crush, scrolling facebook, pinning things onto boards I'll never do. My reflections cause me pain ; whether I look back, or forward , or even to the here and now. I am trying. You are trying. And we are failing. Falling. Alone. Invisible. I miss you - and I miss us . And I miss the days that we were enough.

Life's not working

 

I don't know if I should feel horrible or if it's just a matter of the years passing quickly. 

I worked , I really worked.  I was a basic Jack-of-All-Trades, Master-of-Nothing type person.  I took every task and threw my all into it.  Maybe from the outside it didn't look like much . I never strived so much for perfection as I did for absolute service. Maybe I just came off as frantic all these years. 

I always struggled with the irritating #noexcuses in direct opposition to #selfcare. It seemed to be "you're only limitations are in your own mind, push yourself" vs  "know your limits, listen to your body". If I worked there were critics, if I rested there they were there too.  So I just loved on everyone I could and raised my personal bar.  

Now I'm in my 40's and the rapid decline to my physical body cannot continue at this pace.  And still the voices are there - catch phrases of advice to keep pushing myself to exercise, lose weight, or eat better, or sleep more, drink more water, take my vitamins , push , push , push....  like somehow my lack of action has caused my pain and suffering or maybe it's too much action that has caused it. Because it always seems to be one or the other but always something I did, or did not, do.  All my fault , a product of my own destruction. A false sense of control projected onto whatever the situation may be.  

struggling with 12 hr shifts

In 2019 I had surgery for Carpal Tunnel - my "recovery" took about nine months. Peppered with the usual advise of "try to move it, my (or my mom's or my neighbour's)  recovery was six weeks, blah , blah"  and "don't push yourself, you are going to have yourself to blame if you wreck your  hand".... 
I still have limited mobility in my right hand.  At my stress test a shocked technician asked if my hand was always completely numb. Yes , it was , I said. 

 

14 days post op and very discouraged 

   My surgeon said my nerve was     almost black -nearly "dead". It       was explained that one of the         pains and the  numbness was       Carpal   Tunnel, but the other  was   Tendonitis , and the other     Arthritis.  So  no, my hand is not better but it was never going   to be. My left  hand is nearly as bad and as I type I can't even   curl my fingers  today , the pain is  piercing. Mostly no one   notices because I use  my forearms to hold things or my palms to brace what my hand is doing. I've become somewhat ambidextrous .  I was unable to return to working as a Chef and moved on to working as a Chef Instructor , teaching at a culinary school. 

Teaching at the College 

In 2020 I had surgery for an Umbilical Hernia.  I had laughed so hard one evening that I literally popped out my bellybutton and went to emerg - yeah... laughter is not always the best medicine. Somehow I felt very punished for joy.   Thanks to the pandemic it was months of waiting for surgery , wearing a special belt to hold me together , frequent visits to ER when I couldn't. They would stuff me back in and send me home. I was unable to continue working as a Chef Instructor.  I sat and tried not to add to my problems for several months.  No laughing , no lifting , no sudden movements or straining of any kind. Trying to embrace the spiritual lesson that might be packed in there.  Wondering why God would give me talents that I couldn't use but trying to accept that just the same. 

Becoming a person I didn't feel I was created to be.  Maybe trying to make space to allow my family to become the people that they were made to be. 

Can't keep me down.  I would volunteer - the youth centre was in need of someone to make a regular meal and I was in need of some place to serve. If my body went bad again it was a low commitment, I would be easily replaced. Look at me being flexible to life's circumstances.  Within the week I was staff and now Kitchen Manager. 

 A couple of months ago the pain in my hands has started to ramp up again. I move my hands like they are just claws , I have not strength. Not a problem , I'm not just a  Chef , I'm also a Manager . I'd been a manager in my early years of marriage.   I'll "manage" the position and I tried to shift my focus towards management, advocacy and mentorship.   But the pandemic had other plans and I am shut out for the foreseeable month.  


Okay - a rest is good.  But the truth is I won't rest - I can't sit (and get fatter and lazier and have imposed opinions on why my house is a mess, or why my kids aren't learning piano , or why my garden is overrun). 
I am trying to do less- and trying to find balance- and trying to  work smarter, not harder - and trying to practice gratitude- and trying to be an encourager - and trying to be in prayer - and trying to stop trying.

I know it was a goal to give my all before departing this world - I guess I didn't think of what that would actually look like mid way through.  My family is freakishly strong for our 5 foot frames - and suddenly I find myself physically weak and incapable.  My nuclear family is probably best known by those that do know us as Get-The-Job-Done people - less fantastic with the interpersonal skills but appreciated for our work ethic and dependability.     

What do you do when you can't be the person you feel you were born to be? 

What do you do when you redefine yourself every six to twelve months to fit the larger, changing, picture ? When you've been flexible, resilient, adaptable?  When your best is the worst thing you can do?  What do you do when the person you are boxed into doesn't fit your value system ? When your body doesn't support your heart and calling ? When you become nothing more than a good intention ?